(2) Will they or won't they?

The very next day, Darren responded to my email offer.  He said that I was very sweet for offering, but they really had not thought seriously about what their next step would be, and that they’d be in touch later.  I understood.  They just suffered an unimaginable loss, and needed more time to recover.  But in the back of my mind I was concerned that I had overstepped.

So as my husband and I waited to hear back from Darren and Holly, we did some research, mostly with the help of our good friend Google.  We read more about IVF, state laws concerning surrogacy, frozen embryos, etc.  We learned that surrogacy is not legal in all 50 states. We also learned that I didn’t actually offer to be a surrogate, but rather a “gestational carrier”.  So what’s the difference?

• ·         A surrogate is a woman who uses her own eggs to become pregnant for another couple. She would legally be the genetic mother but she would relinquish all rights to the IP (intended parents).
• ·         A gestational carrier does not supply any eggs.  The embryos of the IP are placed in her womb.  There is no genetic relationship between the embryos and the gestational carrier.  The child(ren) are biologically/genetically products of the parents, just as if they were conceived traditionally. A gestational carrier is essentially the oven cooking someone else’s buns! 

Back to my story:  After 10 agonizing days, Darren sent an email invitation to get together and discuss my offer.  In the email he seemed concerned that I might have reconsidered.  We met for dinner, but somehow the topic never got discussed!  (We each thought the other would bring it up.)  Somewhat confused, we returned home and soon received a detailed email from Holly which outlined the good, the bad, and the ugly aspects of IVF.  I already knew most of this, so I responded quickly, reaffirming my offer.  But then we heard nothing from Holly or Darren. Nothing!  Now I’m worried all over again.  Will they accept my offer, or won’t they?

After a week went by, I couldn’t take it anymore.   I called Holly, only to discover that she never received my email (thanks Yahoo!), and that she was worried about ME getting cold feet and backing out.  Looking back, this miscommunication now seems amusing, but it was pretty stressful for both of us at the time.  We agreed to meet again, this time for a serious discussion.

Our breakfast meeting stretched well past lunch and into the early afternoon.  I think Holly and Darren were giving me every opportunity to back out.  I also think they still had serious doubts that my offer was genuine.  Holly had multiple first-hand experiences with the challenges of IVF pregnancy, and really couldn’t believe someone would just volunteer to do it.  We left the restaurant that day agreeing to proceed.  I was excited, but soon learned there was more to this “project” than I realized.