Wednesday, September 27, 2017

(35) November 17, 2014 - Discharge Day

Beckom and Noah

My time here in the hospital is coming to an end.  I think they are discharging me because I am up and walking around so much, lol.  I can’t help it, I want to heal up.  I know from previous C-sections that walking around and getting that blood circulating is the best medicine.  It also might be my 24 hour bed-rest with the catheter.  That was the worst.  I don’t remember that rule when I had my son, but that was 24 years ago! But having to lay in bed for 24 hours was really hard to do.

As usual, I head over to see the Bensons in their room.  They are probably sick of me, but I hope not.  I just love seeing those two little boys.  They will forever have a special place in my heart.  When I first offered to do this, I thought back to how I felt when my children were born.  I always remember hearing people talk about having this instant connection with their babies when they were born.  I don’t remember having those exact feelings, as sad as that sounds.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved them and loved staring at them while they ate or slept.  Maybe I did have the connection, but in a different way.  Or maybe I didn’t notice because I always had my babies with me.  I wasn’t separated from my kids like I am now with these boys.  I have a strong yearning to see them, hold them, just be with them.  I’m reluctant to tell Holly and Darren because I don’t know how they’ll feel about it.  I always told them, it will be no big deal.  Ha! Was I ever wrong.  It’s also possible that I’m feeling this because of everything we’ve been through for the last 8+ months.  I have seen these little guys on a sonogram every week, sometimes twice a week, for the last 6 months.  I guess you could say even though the boys are not my biological children, I have bonded with them.

We all had dinner last night in my room.  Tom went home to get our daughter, and on their way back they stopped at our favorite pizza place down the street from the hospital.  Life of Pie, Mmmmm, so good!  Anyway, they brought back a couple of pizzas and a Caesar salad (for me).  We all dug in.  I think the ratio worked out were we all got two slices.  I started with my salad, and after a few bites I look up to see Holly sitting there with an empty plate.  The poor girl was so hungry she was done with her two slices before anyone else was done with one.  We all laughed, and I offered her one of my slices.  She said “Sorry, nutrition hasn’t been a priority”.  Plus they didn’t realize they could order from the menu like all of the other patients.  Certainly a “fail” on the nursing staff’s part.  Obviously, they need to eat, and they’re in a room with two babies!  I don’t think the nurses really thought about it, but they did apologize for it later.

Exactly one year ago today, Holly and Darren said goodbye to their first-born son Jude.  He was perfect in every way!  He was born at 21 weeks gestation, weighing 1lb 3oz.  Today is bittersweet for Holly and Darren.  They will cry for the loss of Jude, but also cry with happiness for the arrival of Noah and Beckom.  Holly reminds me as often as she can that she is so thankful for the gift I was giving her. My hope is to heal her, if only a little day by day, from her broken heart.  Jude and Brinly, even though you were born before you should have, you will forever be in all our hearts.

Today is discharge day for me.  I’m happy to go home and sleep in my own bed and OMG use my own shower!  But I don’t want to leave the Benson's.  We all gather in my room as I prepare to be wheeled down to our car.  My nurse takes a few group photos of the six of us.   I am holding the boys and they look so big.  How is it possible that they both fit in my body just three days ago?  With all my paperwork finally done, I can head home.  But my wonderful nurse informs me that I don’t have to leave until I'm ready. Although, I'm starting to feel like I will never be ready.  Tom and I walk over to the Benson’s room and hang out with them for about an hour.  I could tell they wanted to take a nap, so I called for my taxi (wheelchair)….. Tom left so he could pull the car up to the curb.  I didn’t have much to take with me, just my bag of clothes and a couple of cards I received from Holly and Darren’s families.  No flowers, which made me a little sad.  As the nurse and I went down the elevator, I started to cry - and I don’t know why.  Well I kind of do, but I’m guessing the hormones are playing a big role.  By the time we get to the car I am sobbing.  I feel so bad putting the nurse through my emotional roller coaster.  I kept apologizing for it and she kept telling me it was okay.  I just had this deep desire to hold those babies, and I knew I wasn’t going to anytime soon.  I cried more in the car with Tom.  I think I was able to get myself under control about half way home, poor Tom.  Although I suspect he was sad as well.  We both felt an instant bond with those two boys.  It was a difficult ride home.  All the while, I felt this odd combination of sadness, loneliness, accomplishment, and satisfaction.  These feelings don’t mix well.  I miss my little passengers already (tears falling).

Holly and Beckom
Darren and Beckom

WOW, WE DID IT! Noah (my Right) Beckom (my Left)